To Go or Not to Go

Somehow I found myself  being transported back to Mrs. Chandler’s Shakespeare  class,  and I felt very Junior again.

Last week life’s curve ball hit my head pretty badly and I think my lack of sleep must be from the concussion;  everyday I tried to figure out what to do — To Go or Not to Go? What will Hamlet do if he had been a runner? Being a world traveler myself, thanks to my marcom job, I am very accustomed to travel all over the places by myself with a simple rolling Samsonite suitcase, and Japan is a place I love to visit. But it’s very hard for me to picture myself standing at the Start-line alone, or crossing the Finish-line and can’t find that face that I want to see the most. I wondered why I need to climb the mountains and cross the ocean for a race that’s not mine to start with? I was supposed to be there for the race support. I told Max that I was thinking about just forget about this, and I really didn’t feel like going to a “not my race.”

Deep down I know why I have been tormented, and I know where the disappointment came from. It may very well be that it is not the curve ball itself that surprises us, but it is the disappointment from our expectations not being fulfilled. I tried to go with the flow and see where the wind blows, but the “go with the flow” interrupted me. I’m very good at reminding others to “go with the flow” and to “live in the now.” But, I will just as quickly admit doing so is easier said than done. Everyone at one time or another (and most of us repeatedly throughout our life time) will allow their expectations to interfere with the joy a natural flow offers. Monday I told myself  to finalize the travel arrangement and go run the race, Tuesday I found myself wanting to dial the phone and cancel my flight. I wrote an email to Tokyo Marathon and asking them to defer my race entry, but was told that it’s non-cancelable and non-refundable.

The night that I decided to forget about running Tokyo Marathon, I woke up at 7:05am next day. Woohoo!! 8 hours of sleep, which hasn’t happened in a very long time. That tells you how stressful this subject had been.

I told my friend Vinh, who just came back from Osaka Marathon in Dec, “don’t judge me please” about my decision of not going to run Tokyo and he was very surprised and even disappointed “What? And why? I thought you loved the excitement of running Tokyo.” Yes, I did and that was last year when I spent 6 months waiting for race day to come, when I diligently trained for the race by running in the rain, lifting weight at gym and studying Japanese on my iPhone. And I could not stop talking about my going to Tokyo for months, about the race, the Totoro, and  the ramen..etc. But this time I actually am avoiding to talk about it, so my friend won’t feel too sucked about his injury.

I thought  I was done with the  self-debate, but…

By end of the week I saw someone posted a finisher shirt for Tokyo Marathon on Facebook, and my eyes opened big and heart rate increased; I want this shirt and I want to run Tokyo Marathon! When I put my heart into it, it will be My Race!! Since Tokyo Marathon now it’s one of the World Marathon Majors , it will get tougher to enter through lottery system I bet!

I researched my flights option since that Dreamliner is not going to happen most likely, and bought my ticket two days later. Submitted my vacation request to my boss, and I am officially Tokyo bound again!

Besides my silly wants of  the medal and race shirt, I also felt that we only have a limited amount of time and yet a limitless number of different paths to go down. I do not want to waste my time on what feels wrong, on something that is compromising  my happiness. Any form of self torment is just worthless and it sucks up my energy; I should focus on what makes me happy. Running makes me happy and racing gives me energy! I am sure  as a good friend, Max will love to see me carry through with my training and have a fun and exciting race experience with or without him. Though I am much slower compare to him, but I will run “our race” in honor of him! 

Seize every moment you can in life to live without regrets.