Fix You

Two weeks ago I went for a nice Sat run in San Francisco; the route started from Presidio and continued crossing the foggy, misty and almost mystic Golden Gate Bridge – out and back, then took the hilly Lincoln Blvd onto El Camino Del Mar where all the houses have million dollars front yards. Turned around at the Legion of Honor then headed back via that hilly Lincoln Blvd again.

Something mysteriously happened and took me totally by surprise!

As I came to about mile 11 where I had to run straight up Lincoln Blvd, the song “Fix You” came up from my iPod, and it was the second time I heard this song at this exact same spot.  How is this possible?  I had to ask myself in disbelieve. There are 37 songs in my “Run-180bpm” playlist and they are in shuffle mode, but this song came up three times during my last three runs and all were at the toughest part of my runs. Twice when I faced Lincoln Blvd, and once during the SF Marathon course where I got a side stitch running through the rolling Hayes Street.

Just as I had to suck it in, tough it up,  and dealt with this 300 feet straight up elevation gains ,  Cold Play started singing  to me directly. While I am painstakingly, slowly, dealing with a very difficult time of my life, somehow these lyrics all come to me at the times when I have to face those tough hills.  Tears came down when I mentally sang the song, as it echoed my wrestling with the dilemma of when to hold and when to fold.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

But surprisingly I was able to overcome those hills and actually found them got easier to run up.  This time when I reached the top of the hill with steady pace, I saw the sun came out from the morning clouds and I felt the warm liquid formed from the back of my eye sockets.  I asked myself if I could get an email from myself 10 years from now, what advice would I give myself? How would I feel if it’s my best friend being in this situation? Why and where am I stuck? I am not saying I am done yet, because I know I am not done yet. And it  won’t be done and over till I know it’s really over. But I will give myself time and space, at my pace,  to go through this journey…